I just left my five-year-old granddaughter’s birthday party and am now sitting in an airport as I write this blog. During Selah’s party, her friends and family affirmed her. Her brother said she was “sweet, fun, and precious.” Her cousins mentioned “kind” and “funny,” and others mentioned “compassionate, patient, creative, joyful and passionate.” As I listened to Selah’s party guests, I watched her face and how she simply sparkled as the words were spoken to her.
I left the party reflecting on how important it is for people to receive affirmation and encouragement, especially within family life. All of us have family. A positive culture is so life-giving! God calls each of us to shape the culture of our families. This is why the writer of Proverbs wrote, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1).
So how do you build a positive family culture? Here are a few ideas. And, by the way, these same principles apply if you’re trying to build a positive culture in your work place.
- Take Negativity Outside. Recently I was visiting with a friend, and my friend told me that when she and her husband received marriage counseling many years ago, the pastor told them whenever they had an argument, they should take it outside their home. So whenever she and her husband argued they would go for a walk. Whether it was 70 degrees or 25 degrees, arguing happened outside and not inside their home. What a great idea!! The culture of your family is more caught than taught, so try your best to keep negativity outside!
- Listen To Find Feelings. When a member of your family is hurting or angry, pause and offer understanding. It’s easy in the chaotic business of life to miss how family members are feeling. Ask God to make you attentive to the feelings of others. Jesus modeled empathy when He stood at the grave of Lazarus with tears streaming down His face. He felt with them. When someone is angry, the temptation is to become defensive and miss the feelings driving the anger. Put the pause in and try to imagine what it would be like to be in the other person’s shoes. If you listen for feelings, you might discover the conflict is more easily solved. Solomon wisely advised us to “Listen before answering” (Proverbs 18:13). If you put the pause in and listen for feelings the culture of your family life will be far more positive.
- Practice Gentleness. Our culture often values snarkiness. But sarcasm and snarky responses often don’t build others up. Children and elderly relatives especially need gentleness. It’s not helpful to speak harshly. This is why Solomon wrote, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Watch the evening news and you’ll hear plenty of harsh words. You don’t need that harshness as a part of the culture of your family or work place. Instead, ask God to develop gentleness in your life. No one wins in a harsh culture. This is why the Apostle Paul wrote, “Let your gentleness be evident to all” (Philippians 4:5). If you’re up for a challenge, you could ask those closest to you if they perceive you as gentle.
Questions to consider: What was the culture like in the home in which you grew up? Is that a culture you’d like to pass on? Why or why not? Leave a comment and I’ll be choosing one person to win a free copy of How to Listen So People Will Talk. (You’ll receive your book after August 1 when the book releases.)
I remember my parents fighting/arguing as a child. Their comments to one another would cut so deeply. There was no room for constructive criticism in their relationship. Although I knew that they loved each other, I also knew that this was not a relationship model that I wanted to follow.
I am super excited item about your new book Becky! Thanks so much for your insight and transparency!
My home was chaotic with my mother yelling in frustration at us. The question was always, “What kind of mood is Mom in?” We knew she loved us but we could never get things quite right. I have tried to break that cycle with my kids and was mostly successful. Today as I babysit my granddaughters two days a week I am very conscious of gentleness and encouragement in our house and our lives. Thank you for this good word today! I needed that reminder!
Your insights are right on, Christie! I know you have changed the culture in your home!!~XOX
HI Julie! How beautiful that you have broken the cycle and that you value gentleness with your grandkids! Blessings to you!